"Just You Wait" - The Taboo of Pre-Parenting Learning

“Everyone. Dinner’s ready!” My entire family gathered around the table. We’ll, everyone except my nephew, a toddler who just wouldn’t have it. No matter how much his parents pleaded (whether with kindness or authority), he was determined to spend more time with his toy truck. 

With all the crying and whining I couldn’t help but wonder if the situation could’ve been handled differently. How would it play out if he was allowed to stay with his truck? Or maybe bring it with him to the table? Of course, there are many reasons why either approach wouldn’t work, but it made me wonder what were the guiding principles in the scenario. 

Towards dessert, and after everyone settled down, I raised the issue with the parents. More than anything, I was curious. Curious about what options were considered and the thought process behind the actions that were taken. Unsurprisingly, the reaction was one I heard many many times before: “oh, you just wait until you have kids. And then we’ll talk!”

Taking a step back. 

Bear with me here. As a product manager, I am routinely required to dive into new products and research the design and value of new features. Every new initiative is an opportunity for new learnings. It rarely goes the way the team had planned. But that frustration, those days where I just want to bang my head against the wall, that is my favorite part about product work. 

All that learning and research often starts way before the launch of a new feature. Each company has its own ‘dance choreography’ for this.  At Amazon, it’s called a Working Backwards process where we start with a 6-page document called a PRFAQ. In that document we lay out the vision for what we intend to announce to the world on the day of the launch (the PR), and follow up with a set of FAQs to answer any questions we foresee customers, leadership, and other stakeholders will be asking. All that learning, before ever having to build anything.

Doing research before launching a product or a feature doesn’t sound like a mind-blowing approach. We go through the same process when we plan our next vacation, buy a car, or go to the supermarket (well, unless we’re really hangry). We believe all that research will improve the outcome quality, and it makes sense. 

So why is it that when it comes to parenting the prevailing mindset is that until you have a kid of your own, any type of learning is taboo? This makes little sense no matter which side you are on. For non-parents, it is odd that in 2023, while everybody is opinionated on virtually every single thing, we’ve grown to accept that parenting is not to be discussed with non-parents. And on the flip side, like any new parent will admit (or at least the honest ones will), having a baby doesn’t make you an instant expert on anything. Learning by doing has many superior qualities to it, yet I’ve never come across another field where people get so offended when you bring up learning that wasn't achieved by doing. 

As people get offended, there are primarily 2 arguments mentioned (trust me, I’ve offended a lot of people). The first is that parenting is such an intense experience that there’s absolutely no possible way for a non-parent to even begin to understand it. The second is that parenting is so exhausting that parents are just unable to muster the energy to discuss any learnings. 

While both arguments have some validity to them, it baffles me that we would let them stand in the way of so much learning, both preparing parents-to-be and potentially helping existing parents. It’s as if we’ve applied the Nike slogan to parenting. And it’s not like you’ve never seen a kid before.

Kids are everywhere.

Some people have plenty of experience being around kids before they became parents themselves. I didn’t. But still, throughout my life (probably like you), I got to see a lot of parent-child dynamics. I watched my friends with their kids, my friends with their parents, my parents with my grandparents, and even countless parents dealing with their kids at coffee shops, restaurants, planes, and dog parks (children misbehaving in dog parks are the worst).  Using all that input, I would love nothing more than to hone my parenting understanding prior to having a kid. But despite seeing kids everywhere we go, nobody is willing to acknowledge any learning from someone who is not a parent. 

Parenting is hard! Or at least this is what I’m constantly told. How hard is it? “Oh, just you wait!” Imagine I interviewed a potential user of a feature I was working on and instead of sharing with me their pain points they just said “Oh, just wait until you launch this.” In my experience, parents struggle to communicate unemotionally when it comes to their kids. They often feel attacked even though the other person could just be eager to learn or, and I hope you’re sitting down for this, the other person might just have an insight that could be helpful. 

That insight potentially has nothing to do with that person being a parent. It could have come from a completely unrelated field like physics or fishing. But it might be helpful. How could that be? 

Kids are relationships.

While being the non-parent that I am, I have noticed one common factor between all parent-child related insights - they are all fundamentally relationship driven. Parenting seems like an ever-evolving relationship between the parent and the child. And while that relationship is almost god-like in its uniqueness, it is also to an extent like many other relationships. Like all relationships, it is a journey that requires experimentation, learning, and adaptation as both parent and child grow and evolve. 

Growing that relationship involves understanding the child's needs, wants and desires. But it also involves being introspective in realizing your own needs, wants and desires. Despite some parents around me claiming that their needs are of no importance since they became parents, I believe some form of balance (whatever it is) must be preserved so the parent is able to maintain their effectiveness (and sanity). 

Learning the right balance is best achieved through experimentation with different approaches and strategies. Similar to any experimentation, having additional inputs could lead to new insights. Having a variety of resources to draw from is a win-win. By hearing different perspectives and ideas, parents can find creative solutions to the issues they are facing. All the insight gained from other people has no downside, as it is all just more ammunition for the experimentation that is parenting.

Keeping a beginner’s mindset.

Once I have kids of my own I might disagree with everything written here. But for now, I believe that through observation and conversation we can improve the quality of our own parenting skills even before having kids of our own. These words will serve as a reminder for myself to keep an open mind even after I become a parent, but I hope that other parents and non-parents find them useful as well. 

It's time to acknowledge that pre-parenting learning is possible and valuable. Let's break the cycle of "oh, just wait until you have kids" and start having more meaningful conversations about parenting. Who knows, maybe we’ll learn something.