I recently came back from another visit to Israel. After 3.5 years of living in the US, maintaining those relationships I ‘left’ behind in Israel is still a work in progress. You would think that after all this time, each opportunity to hang out with my friends would be less and less exciting. After all, we must have grown apart during this time away. Yet, somehow, each trip is exquisitely unique on its own, and this last one was even better than the rest. On this one, I’ve finally realized what became of my relationship jet lag.
I’ve written in the past about the experience of relationship jet lag, and my constant battle to sustain relationships over different time zones.
“Living in the same time zone, you share a cadence, a natural rhythm that controls every one of your relationships. Changing that cadence is hard … Philosophical ideas over evening drinks with my high school buddy - no longer an option. Catching-up with my mom over morning coffee - gone. The cadence is off.
If you lived most of your life in one place then most likely that time zone is the one you prioritize. As much as we believe globalization has taken over the world, we’re still terrible at maintaining multiple time zones in our heads.”
Relationship Building Blocks.
The concept of a relationship is extremely elusive. We’re all familiar with different ‘types’ of relationships, but we have no words nor set standards to differentiate between variations within each type.
Your concept of a friendship (and what it might entail) is probably different from mine. The same goes for parent-child relationships. And even romantic ones. Books, movies, and TV have theoretically standardized some concepts for us. But even within what we might consider inseparable friendships, there’s so much nuance on top of a template Joey and Chandler dynamic.
Each relationship is unique and ever-evolving. At its core, some macro themes that make up a relationship over time could be communication, trust, empathy, and respect. But while those themes are important, my experience has taught me that the following building blocks are those who keep relationships alive:
Circumstances - studying together, working together, belonging to the same friend group.
Shared interests - anything really - movies, travel, dating, collecting lizards. This is also where I count old friendships that endure due to shared history.
Geography - roommates, neighbors, could even just be two people living in NYC.
Time differences - ability (and desire) to adjust schedules to keep a relationship growing. Time differences can even occur when living in the same city when schedules vary significantly due to work or lifestyle (think of doctors doing night shifts).
Each one of these could be a relationship strength that keeps it going or a stressor that needs overcoming. Sometimes moving away for college might strengthen a relationship in the long run. Other times, that distance was just what the doctor prescribed so the individuals can realize they no longer have much in common.
My dad had dozens of friends in his life. Those were people I saw countless times growing up. With many of them, I’ve developed independent relationships, or so I thought. After my dad’s passing, the vast majority of those relationships either vanished or simply withered away. Thinking back to those so-called independent relationships, they were clearly relying on a specific set of circumstances I took for granted.
A New Normal.
Moving away isn’t that special. But it does present the opportunity to reset, reevaluate, and prioritize relationships. Relationships change and evolve every day, and for many reasons. What made this last trip interesting was that finally, after quite some time, the building blocks stopped shifting.
After experiencing relationship jet lag for several years, I have now adjusted to the new normal. Some of my relationships have endured, while others have not. Surprisingly, certain connections have only grown stronger, as is often the case in the natural progression of relationships.
As those surviving relationships settled into their new cadence, a surprising benefit emerged. The geographical separation of everyday life somehow became an unprecedented strength. During my last trip to Israel, I got to experience quality time with my friends as I’ve never experienced before.
Following our ongoing commitment to keep the relationship alive, many of my friends went out of their way to spend time with me. It was as if we purposefully tried to make up for our lost (in-person) time together.
Building blocks don’t tend to shift forever. When they stop, we get the opportunity to reevaluate and adjust our commitment. The success of a relationship doesn't come down to geography or shared interests, but rather the desire and ability to adapt to changes.
As we evaluate our own relationships and those of others, the nature of the relationship—whether it's a friendship, work-related, or romantic—doesn't matter. What we should value most are not the relationships that have lasted the longest, but those that have evolved and grown the most over time.
אור יקר
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