It’s been 3 years since I learned to live with more than just one “now”. 3 years ago, I moved away, said goodbye to family and friends in Israel, left our shared present, and went to live in the US, 7 hours in the past. For months before the move, I dreaded being physically far. But then, within days of moving, the real challenge hit. It was much worse than I expected. It changed everything. Altered relationships that took decades to shape. Surprisingly, it was the time difference.
Living in the same time zone, you share a cadence, a natural rhythm that controls every one of your relationships. Changing that cadence is hard.
Being 7 hours away from my partner was the hardest. We are now happily married but those days weren’t simple. Just 8 months after our first date I was already on the plane, yet it would take us 6 more months to arrange her visa so she can join me. In those 6 months we made an effort to talk daily. But that was tough. Once, I just wanted to share what an incredible day I had, but wasn’t able to find the time to talk.
The time difference meant that I would often have just 1-2 hours in which we were both free. 2 hours to connect, to share our day, to laugh and to feel close. This was all we had. And often, one of us would be tired, or have other plans, or just not be in the mood. Now multiply this by the number of friends and family members you have in your life, and you realize all these relationships are now in a perpetual jet lag.
I considered myself pretty good at maintaining relationships. But then the new reality hit. And it felt like banging my head walking into a clear glass door. I realized that finding the right time to talk to people is going to be a ton of work. But it’s worth it. No way in hell was I giving up on all those cherished relationships. And then, BANG! Like another glass door, hitting me again as I realized that all these relationships are now different, changed.
Philosophical ideas over evening drinks with my high school buddy - no longer an option. Catching-up with my mom over morning coffee - gone. The cadence is off.
If you lived most of your life in one place then most likely that time zone is the one you prioritize. As much as we believe globalization has taken over the world, we’re still terrible at maintaining multiple time zones in our heads. Post Covid, we all started valuing asynchronous communication in our workplace. Perhaps we can learn a thing or two when it comes to our personal lives. For example, I have several friends who now I mainly talk to using async 5-10 minute voice notes.
If you have loved ones living in different time zones then here’s what you can do to preserve a cadence. First, ask yourself whether you’re willing to do the work. Maintaining relationships is hard even in-person. Second, be patient. Don’t worry about playing cat-and-mouse trying to find time for a phone call. You just keep trying. Finally, go first. Don’t wait for them to reach out to you. You can initiate. You can text. You can call. You can overcome relationship jet lag.
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As someone with similar experiences I can totally relate to this Or. Really well written.!!