The Illusion of Expectation

As my wife and I eagerly await the arrival of our first child, we’ve made a decision that has puzzled some of our friends and family: we prefer to not know the sex of the baby before birth.

It’s not because we’re trying to be trendy, or even because we want to keep it a secret (despite some family members thinking this is the case). Ultimately, it’s because we believe that knowing the sex of the baby is like reading only the title of a book and assuming you know the entire plot.

How can we presume to know anything about what lies ahead?

Looking back at my life, most things didn't turn out as I pictured them. I’m constantly surprised (mostly for the better) by how my family, friends, and the world are evolving. So why would I suddenly gain the ability to predict the future?

We have no idea what's coming next. We can make plans and set goals, but life has a way of throwing curveballs that we never could have predicted. And yet, we continue to pretend that we know what's coming.

Some of my friends, expecting a baby girl, are already constructing a dream world of princesses and tea parties, while others, with a baby boy on the way, are imagining soccer games and action figures. Some even say “I’m so happy it’s a girl, I really wanted a girl”. 

Not knowing the baby's sex allows for endless possibilities. It’s like staring at a blank canvas, waiting for the first stroke of paint. The possibilities are infinite, and that’s exciting.

Who knows. We might have a girl who’s really into soccer (which I hope no one is expecting me to teach her). Or a boy that’ll become an awesome dancer. Even having to write these last two sentences in the year of 2023 feels absurd and quite silly.

Some of you might share my view but still think, “what’s the harm in finding out?” Learning the sex of your unborn child has become so routine that we never stop to consider whether that learning might be excessive. There is such a thing as too much information. With a never-ending stream of information targeting us from every possible direction, should we really still justify and defend unnecessary learning? Perhaps it’s time to be more selective, start filtering, and consciously choose what’s worth opting into. 

We need a new term for opportunity costs, but for attention. Meaning, the loss of potential gain from paying attention to other things when one is too busy with useless thoughts.

Some people may argue that knowing the sex of the baby is important for practical reasons, yet I don’t see a single one.

I don’t see the point in rushing to buy gender specific clothes, or decorating the nursery with (imagined!) gender-based colors. Unsurprisingly, it seems research is quite limited in showing newborn baby boys disdain for pink colors.

I wish we could put less emphasis on gender stereotypes and more emphasis on creating a loving and supportive environment for our children to grow up in, and only care about them being healthy and happy.

Instead of trying to picture the future, we can opt to focus on the present, and be grateful for what we have right now. Staying open to the unexpected and embracing the unknown, knowing that life has a way of surprising us in the most wonderful ways.

After all, the best stories are the ones we never saw coming.